The Details So Far.

On November 21st we went for our 19 week ultrasound to see the baby for the second time and learn if it was a boy or a girl. We learned that the baby was indeed a girl, which was unexpected and very exciting news! We were also told she had Choroid Plexus Cysts and were told she was too active to get a good picture of her heart. Everything else looked good. Our doctor told us we would take another look at her in 4 weeks to get a better image of the heart and see if the cysts were dissolving. At this point we were so excited about the baby being a girl, and had been through the cysts with Asa that we were not worried. It was very evident she was very active during the ultrasound so not getting good images of her heart made sense. We sent out a prayer request about the issues.

On December 19th we went back for our follow up ultrasound. The baby was still very active and to our joy the cysts were completely gone! The tech kept trying to get good images of the heart but still could not. At the very end of the ultrasound she zoomed in on it and I thought to myself it didn't look quite right. She told us the doctor would talk more about what would happen next. Our doctor told us he didn't have much info other then that they were unable to see the four chambers of her heart but it was hopefully just the equipment. He was sending us to a maternal fetal specialist asap to have them take a better look and probably clear any doubts up. I was more afraid then Amos but still not too frightened or concerned. We sent out another prayer request.

December 21st we went to our maternal fetal specialist. I didn't get much sleep the night before and was very nervous the morning of the appointment. Amos tried to calm my fears and didn't seem worried at all. We went into the dark room with the ultrasound equipment and were surprised to learn that the actual specialist would be performing the ultrasound. With Asa's it was a tech and the specialist came in afterwards to discuss the findings. The doctor was a very sweet lady (pretty much the opposite of the cold man we got with Asa) She started the ultrasound and told us everything she was looking at, things were looking good. When she got to the heart she zoomed in and did the blood flow pictures several times, she then said she would come back to the heart at the end, of course red flags went up. She went on and told us her stomach was normal, her brain and spine looked good, etc. Then she went back to the heart, did the zoom thing again and the blood flow thing again and took a long time. She sighed looked at us and said okay, well your baby does indeed have a heart defect. My first thoughts were okay, well I had a heart defect and look at me! But then she just kept talking and this is where things get fuzzy. A lot of talk about this defect being a big one and quite serious and also a big marker for Down Syndrome. The first question I had was, is it fatal or fixable, she told me it could be either. This defect encompasses several parts of the heart and many defects rolled into one big name. We talked and asked questions, none of which I remember.I had to call the next day to ask her again the name of the defect due to the overwhelming shock of everything, we actually left the office with all these details buzzing around in our heads and when asked what the specific name was I couldn't tell anyone! She left the room for a few minutes and I begin to cry. Amos seemed shocked and was just very quiet he just said he wasn't expecting this at all. She came back in and told us she wanted us to see a pediatric cardiologist because they would be able to tell us a lot more. She then asked if we wanted an amnio to confirm a chromosomal defect with 100% accuracy or if we would be interested in terminating the pregnancy. (She was not cold or unkind, I am pretty sure they have to ask these questions by law) We of course turned both down and walked out with a promise that an appointment would be set with the pediatric cardiologist asap. Of course with the Holidays coming up it might take longer then normal!

Leaving I know we were both in shock and I just remember thinking, how am I not breaking down. I just remember thinking while standing in front of the mirror in the lobby bathroom that no matter what, it was going to be okay because God has a plan and he knows this baby, he made this baby. Amos and I went to eat a quick lunch and talked a lot about how this was going to change our whole lives whatever the outcome, no going back now. Then Amos had to go back to work and I went to pick up the boys from a friends house. The shock wore off for Amos that night but didn't hit me until around 4 the next morning when I woke up couldn't go back to sleep, woke up Amos and had a good deep cry (the kind that leaves you breathless and exhausted)

Now we wait for January the 17th, when we will see the pediatric cardiologist at Cook Childrens in Ft. Worth who is supposed to be one of the best and is currently out of town until the 16th! Waiting is hard, but at the same time I feel it may be God's grace of still being able to feel pretty normal and go on with our lives. I know for me, I feel the prayers of so many and am able to feel peace and joy. I believe this has already made me more aware of what a blessing the boys are and it also makes me want to protect them and be a better mom for them. I have had a few moments of fear, but for the most part just really feel God's grace and peace the joy is different too, more deep and appreciated. I will admit that I am hopeful and also fearful for the appointment on the 17th. Amos and I talk about the baby a lot at night after the boys go to bed, I am so thankful for my husband who can also find strength and peace in our savior.

So now we wait and live out our faith and hope until the 17th when we learn more and then there will be more waiting and hoping and living.
"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry. He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God." Psalm 40: 1-3