How Many times have you been asked the question, if you could know the day you are going to die, would you choose to know? What would your answer be? I think most people, like me, would say heck no, of course I don't want to know. How differently would you live your life today, or tomorrow or next week, if you did know? How would you prepare? I think our lives, if we are doing it right, are just a series of little deaths to ourselves. Call it death or just change, but it is constantly occurring. When we grow up and move out, we give up the child within and become an adult, in a sense dying to our old self and becoming new. When we choose to get married, we give up or die to our singleness and become a couple. As Christians when we choose Jesus we die to our old self and are raised anew to walk with him, this scenario goes on and on in each of our lives.
I have been thinking about this scenario more and more as each day passes and we get closer to April 9th 2012. I stand by my answer of not wanting to know the day I will die even more then I did before. You see, in a way I feel like the birth of our daughter is going to be the death of me, of our life as we know it, of so much that we are used to. In a way this is a good thing, and in a way this is terrifying and sad.
If you think about it, every time a child is born into a family a little bit of the parent dies and as said, this is a good thing. If you didn't die to yourself there is no way you would get up during all hours of the night to feed this screaming sometimes stinky (but always precious) baby. You have to die to your utter selfishness to be a parent, for some this is easier then for others. Some of us go kicking and screaming all the way. As Christians, we are called daily to die to ourselves and take up the cross to follow our Jesus. I can attest that with each child, I have had to die a little more to myself to lovingly and patiently take care of my children. Mothering, real mothering is hard, gut wrenching at times. Until you are a mother you don't realize how incredibly self centered you are. There is nothing like a child to hold up a mirror and help you see yourself for who you really are, with all your inner blemishes and faults. As the saying goes, I was a good mother until I had children!! This might sound horrible to childless people, (which sometimes it is) but it can be beautiful, it can move you to be more, to be better, to try harder, to seek grace and goodness.
So as a christian, when I think about the upcoming death of my life as I know it, I think about what God is going to do, what he is going to show us, how he is going to change us for the better. When I think of these things, I am willing to die; but, then there is that ever human, ever self seeking part of me that is scared and angry and fighting against this change. As each day passes the panic wells up a little more, the fight rages on, the worries come.
I have read that the "interstage" period of Koralyns process is the hardest, scariest time for the families if HLHS kids. This is the time between the first and second surgeries, once we go home we will need to be extremely careful about germs and sickness. One infection, especially anything respiratory could kill our sweet Koralyn. This means drastically changing the way we live our lives now. No more church nursery, no more play dates or lunches out with friends, no more trips to target or Chuck E Cheese or the park or the mall play area. In other words no more distractions for Mommy or her kids. We love to get out of the house and spend time with our friends, it helps make the long days of toddlers a little more bearable, a little less dragging. We love adventures, traveling, exploring new things and new places. Once we bring Koralyn home, that will all have to stop for several months.
This time is going to be very hard on our entire family. Asa wakes up every morning and one of his first questions is where we are going and what we are doing and who we are going to see. He loves to get out and meet friends and have adventures. I fear these months will be the longest of my mothering life. Any mom knows after just a few days stuck in the house with preschoolers and toddlers, everyone starts going insane, most of all mommy! I fear the loneliness, pain, drudgery, isolation. I am having to tell myself that my strength will come, even if the days are long and hard and lonely, my strength will come, I am not alone. And when we all come out on the other side, we will all be stronger and closer and more aware of our blessings (and maybe not so dependent on outside entertainment and our car)! I wonder already what I will learn about myself, about my husband, about my kids. How much closer will I become to my savior. Without all of the fun outside distractions this world offers me and my children each day, I realize my strength, my patience, and my love will need to come from him; because as it is, even today with all the distractions in place, I can always use more patience and love.
So here we are just weeks away from what is going to be the most stretching time in our lives thus far. Here I am going to Wal-Mart buying massive amounts of toilet paper, baby wipes, and frozen corn dogs trying to prepare my home and cabinets for people other then me being here to love and take care of my boys. This is my control freakish ways coming out full force. Every time I go to Wal-Mart I fill a cart and empty a wallet and get some pretty strange looks along the way. People must think I am just nesting, but I feel like I am trying to prepare for baby Y2K. I realize that no matter how many frozen corn dogs and waffles I have, I really can't prepare for what is coming, can we ever? Isn't that the point, we aren't supposed to rely only on ourselves and our local Wal-Mart for comfort and preparation. (Its not working only making us poor, and last night some old lady ran over my ankles and my cart was so full that several bags fell out on the way to the car) Here I am weighing what is to come, challenged, scared, sometimes doubting always hoping trying always to trust and lean on what I know to be true.
"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." Phillipians 4:6-7
