I am a planner, I thrive on schedules and plans and lists. I have a daily cleaning list, shopping lists, to do lists. I love organization and calm (which is funny since I have boys who are anything but calm). I haven't ignored the fact that it is a blessing to me to know there is a problem with Koralyn before she is born, so the doctors and our family can make plans. I have read accounts of families with children with heart defects or Down Syndrome that didn't know until they were born and I can't imagine the shock and pain and all the frantic planning that has to take place. I am thankful for this blessing of being able to plan (as much as possible) for what is to come.
At the same time, I admit that lately this planning is making me a nervous wreck. I have found myself jealous of all these HLHS families where the baby is their first or only child. I think how much easier this would all be if Koralyn was our first not our third child. See most of the planning I am doing is for and because of the boys. I want them to be as comfortable and content as possible, to feel normal and stay on schedule and not feel worried or scared. The type A anal retentive part of me worries about their eating and sleeping and TV watching schedule. Like most moms I think no one can do this better then me, no one knows them better then me, their wants, needs, quirks, capacity to sit in front of the TV all day long and eat only oreos if someone lets them. I find myself thinking about how those one baby families have it so much easier then us and our boys. Oh to only have to focus on your sick child and not worry about others who need you at home. To be able to say, nothing is more important then my time here in this hospital with this sick baby. I even got a bit angry while watching the Duggars and what they went through with their 19th child, because they have all those built in helpers and could go to the hospital without guilt knowing all their littles were being taken care of. I know this is a bad attitude to have and is in no way helping me or my family, but honesty is the best policy right?
I thought I was doing pretty well until a few days ago, when the stress of whats coming just really started to become more real. Even with a "normal" baby and delivery you plan and nest and stock up on things; so now I feel like I need to do all that to an even bigger and more crazy extent. I find myself thinking about first aid kits and light bulbs and pedialyte, like I am preparing for some kind of baby Apocalypse where whoever is taking care of the boys will need these things, and suddenly no stores will be open and I will be deemed an unfit mother for not having a fully stocked first aid kit or a light bulb for that burned out night light. Because in my twisted Type A mind, every good and faithful mother is always prepared and has these things for her children. Like suddenly Martha Stewart or Mary Poppins is going to come into my home and nix nix my flaws of planning and organization. We all have our quirks right? So humor me. I realize when the time comes, the light bulbs and Tylenol will be the least of my worries. I realize that God knows what we need and will send people to help and love the boys while we are away.
I also realize that while being Type A can often times be a wonderful life skill, I can take it way too far and lose sight of what is really important.God is teaching me so much about myself and my insane need for control and it is frightening and humbling realizing that no amount of planning and doing is going to really prepare us for the roller coaster we are about to board. Again I am faced with the fact that my control is just an illusion in the first place and can be such a weight if I let it. If motherhood has taught me anything thus far, its that the flexible mother who can change her schedule and plans at a moments notice is a happier mother and her children are a lot happier too! Remember Mommy Dearest? (If you don't, you should YouTube the wire hanger scene, yikes)!! It is funny that Koralyn seems determined to remind me to be flexible even before she is born, oh we might be in for trouble with this one!
The truth is I rely so much on myself, my ability to be a good mom, a good wife, an organized and clean individual, all skills that are very lacking on a day to day basis of course. I think as christians who profess to rely on God we all have to come to a point, or maybe several, where God makes us realize we are flawed and failing and we need to rely on him fully and completely. Because I am such a stubborn girl, God is having to teach me this many times in my life. Any young mother will tell you, you often need to do this several times a day when trying to raise toddlers. It is a hard, and often thankless job that really brings all your flaws to the surface and can ruin your best made plans and intentions. As with anything hard though, the peaks are beautiful and momentous and well worth the climb.
What we will go through with Koralyn might be our Mt. Everest. We have many more weeks of waiting and wondering and planning and I think God made it this way to bless us and also to stretch us. In the meantime, I will try and focus on the sweetness of what is, not on the fear of what is to come. Smiles from the boys, bedtimes with stories and sweet smelling just washed babies. Waking up in our home having freedom to play and plan the day as we wish. Making dinner and sitting down as a family to enjoy it. Even the messes and chores and responsibilities seem sweeter knowing there is coming a time when I won't be able to take part in them. I am repeating these verses often lately to remind me whats important and to know we are taken care of.
"Many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails." Proverbs 19:21
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important then clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable then they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?" Matthew 6:25-27
"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:33-34
