What happens when God doesn't answer the prayers of your heart the way you thought he should, the way everyone thought he would? When apparently his glory will not come through this beautiful babys life, but only in her death. What do you do when the lights go down and you don't have your baby to hold up and give thanks for?
I have been asking and answering that question since July 25, 2012. Its a hard question to ask and an even harder one to give an answer for. It is pain and grief and struggle. It is lonely and ugly and truth poured out when you don't want it and didn't ask for it and have a hard time swallowing it. What happens when you literally have to live your faith out in the hardest most desolate place possible for you?
Here is an account of what happens
Days are hard, days hurt. Things that a year ago wouldn't bother you now break your heart. Pregnant bellies and sweet baby girls in pink, moms and daughters, oh moms and daughters point out the fact that now, you have neither. You look back at a year ago when you were pregnant with a daughter and your heart was pregnant with hope for her and the situation and you had your mom to talk to and now its all gone, all of it. Where do you go from this place? Up or down or sideways? I have found that you just go, you just keep going, you breathe and you hurt and you feel and you once again plead with God to help you, to redeem this situation, to give you faith when yours is weak or not there at all.
For all of you reading this, July seems far gone, but for me, it is yesterday, it is an hour ago, it is fresh and it burns and it hurts. Some days I look at the calendar and wonder how it could almost be Christmas, how my girl would have been almost 8 months old and my mom would have turned 55 in September and I think how could this be? How is time still passing at break neck speed and it all feels so fresh and painful. Some days time is my friend and I look and take in a deep breath and let it out with thanks to God for bringing me this far from those two days when I lost so much. Other days I want to scream out in anger and pain that those days are still so near and hurtful and dark and where is my justice and my reward and the redemption? On days when it seems everyone has forgotten and you feel alone and like your pain and thier suffering was all for naught. What do you do on the hard and ugly days when nothing comes easy? When nothing feels easy or good?
We all have two choices, with every single God given breath, we have two choices. To be thankful or to be angry. Yes there are feelings and ways of being in between these two I suppose but really in each moment of your life, you are either thankful or your not, right? On the days when traffic is lite and the kids behave and you make it to work on time you are thankful for your good fortune. On days when traffic is a beast and the kids don't listen to a word you say and your forty five minutes late and disgruntled and stressed, in that moment you probably don't feel so thankful for your good fortune. Here is the thing, the Bible, Gods word to us, his instructions tell us to be thankful in all things. IN ALL THINGS. "Rejoice always; pray without ceasing; in everything give thanks; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." (1 Thessalonians 5:16-18)
What!!! How can I be thankful that my sweet baby girl struggled and suffered and fought and died anyway? How can I be thankful that one sunny Sunday afternoon my mom got on the back of a Harley and never went home that night but instead to a body bag in a morgue? Was I feeling thankful in the moment when they woke my girl from sedation to try and make her sats go up and she cried the tiniest of cries and her eyes looked hollow, and I think I knew it was the beginning of the end in that very moment, the shadow of death was there in her eyes. Was I thankful when I came home after walking out of that hospital without my girl and finally taking off my black jacket to reveal Koralyns blood staining my sky blue shirt, puddles of her blood where I held her close knowing I would never hold her alive again, the blood that came from all the wounds of them trying to fix her. According to my faith I am supposed to thank our Lord for all these moments that play in my head as I try to process my grief and come to a place of acceptance and gratitude.
Here is the thing, this isn't easy. Its not easy to hear and read about other families who have a prayer answered in the way they thought it would be. To hear about families that have a time in a deep dark place and then God brings them out of it and everyone cheers, and life is good and "they all live happily ever after." Some days jealousy and bitterness overtake my soul and I have to choose to come out of it. I have to literally decide whether to let the bitterness and questions and unbelief overtake me or whether I take up my cross and follow him. "Then he said to them all: "whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." (Luke 9:23) Some days it feels like it would be easier to throw down the cross he has given me and run the other way, embracing my anger and my questions and the worlds way of thinking that I have been unfairly treated in this game of life. Because looking around this cross seems a hell of a lot bigger and heavier then some of the others I see people carrying. I suppose that is why in his infinite wisdom he told us not to look around and be jealous of others, for we really don't know the weight of their crosses either. So this is where true Faith has to come in, this is where the rubber meets the road, where things get real so to speak. Because when things are good and your prayers are answered to your standards and your cross is lite and there isn't much self denial having to take place faith is easy. But, when nothing seems right and you wonder what God could possibly be thinking and your cross and denying yourself includes losing your mom and your baby within a few months time, thats when faith either stands or crumbles.
So my choice is to keep trying, I will still stumble, I will still have sad and lonely and bitter moments but I choose to believe God knows best, and what he says is true and Koralyn was a gift and my moms death was not in vain. I am a work in progress friends, but I am making this choice every chance I get, and I seem to be getting a chance every single morning. He is refining me and showing me things I never saw before all of this. On the days when I don't want to pick up my cross and deny myself I take a deep breath and slowly look around and thank God for all I have, all I am learning, all I am becoming, or better yet all he is becoming to me and in me. I choose to believe in Gods promise that he works all things for the good of those who love and trust in him. Even though it hurts now and seems so confusing and dark some days I have to focus on his light, his purpose and it is then that I can thank him, yes for all of it. The good and the pain and the memories of awful things that will never leave me now. Because I believe that one day it will all be set right, it will all be made clear. One day I will see and embrace my Jesus and my sweet Koralyn and my mom. They will say see, it was worth it, wasn't it Kenda. I choose Joy now, maybe not happiness all the time but Joy in knowing it will all be worth it and I want to keep fighting the good fight and I don't want to waste these minutes I have left. I still have SO MUCH to be thankful for, even on my worst days God still loves me.
I see the gift of Christmas more clearly now then I did a year ago. The fact that God sent his ONLY son to DIE a horrible death for us, hits closer to home and becomes more real to me now that I have had to hand my daughter back to him. The death of Jesus seems less abstract then it did before. To be Mary or to be God and watch your child endure such a wicked death of shame had to be excruciating; not only to watch but choose willingly to allow it to happen. Astonishing.
"Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness, I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." The Lord is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him; it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord." Lamentations 3:22-26
