I prefer the good ol' saying from Thumper, "If you can't say something nice, don't say nothing at all." I can remember quoting these both as a child. I was dorky and awkward and was often teased. Teased for being too skinny, wearing big plastic framed glasses, having my hair too short and looking like a boy. Kids often called me poop neck because of my big birth mark, off center on my neck. Sometimes I got teased because I was slow in reading and math, always unsure of myself. Because of my heart defect, I lacked the proper oxygen I needed, so I have always struggled with learning disabilities. I also wasn't gifted with athletic abilities so I really didn't fit in anywhere. A misfit I suppose. I often came home in tears begging to never return to school. I survived though, the worst years for me were middle school. Children can be so incredibly cruel at that age. Everything is new and scary and changing too, so its a double whammy. School is different, your body is changing, friendships change. Its often so much all at once come those middle school years.
6th grade is when my world seemingly fell apart, and my parents divorced. I began moving back and forth between my mom in New Mexico and my dad in Missouri. In New Mexico I had a wonderful home life, but it was hell on earth at school. I often got physically beaten up and once even thrown from the back of a school bus when it was rolling away from a stop. In Missouri, school was so much better but my home life was rough. How do you choose at that age? I wanted both security at home and at school. I couldn't find both at either home.
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| I was thrown into those lockers several times. |
I look back on those days and my heart aches even now remembering some of those worst moments. I wouldn't wish bullying on my worst enemy. I think about my poor mom holding me while I cried, often times crying right along with me. How helpless she must have felt. I know as a mom, how much I want to protect my children from that. I know my mom did too, but had less ability to do so. She worked at my middle school and was afraid of losing her job. As a single mom working 3 jobs she struggled. I understand that now. I am honestly grateful for those horrendous experiences now. I believe they helped shape who I am. I believe I am a better person then I would have been had I not had those experiences.
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| 6th Grade Can you see why I was teased? That hair, those glasses. |
All of that to say, I did grow up with scars and a lot issues about my self worth and who I am. I am thankfully working through them. With help, I am recognizing how all of that also shaped how I see myself as less than and a lot of times not worthy. I am often filled with feelings of guilt and inadequacy. I apologize a lot. I am so unsure of myself. I often feel like a failure as a wife and mother. I know I am not the only woman who feels this way. I know there are many reasons to have these feelings. I am trying to be kinder to myself along the way.
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| A good cabin on the lake with good friends. Medicine for the soul! |
So now I want to tell a little story about something that happened over spring break last week. It has just had me thinking about all of this stuff. My family and I traveled to Branson and met some dear friends there for a few days of fun! We stayed in a cabin on the lake and had a blast with our combined 7 kids. Yes we are a little crazy I think. I found myself thanking God a lot for these friends over those few sweet days. Of course, when in Branson, I always have to visit Silver Dollar City! I know I have discussed on here before, that I have many memories connected to this simple theme park. It was during those tumultuous times in middle school, that my dad first took me to Silver Dollar City. Last week when we were there, I was thinking back to those times. Mainly because as a mom now, I realized how expensive these theme parks are. My dad had no money, and yet he made the effort to take me to SDC with all my cousins. He wanted to give me a day of fun and normal. As I walked around and thought of him, and that effort he made for me, it made me smile. It made me think fondly of him for a moment. I am so grateful for those sweet memories. Those times I can look back and clearly see my parents efforts to love me. To do their best despite their own brokenness.
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| At the entrance of Silver Dollar City in front of the clock. I think this might have been the summer between 6th and 7th grade. |
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| SDC 2017 |
Our day at SDC was great! We rode rides and ate junk and even shopped a little! Everyone was happy. It was close to closing time and our last ride would be the Train that takes you around the park. Amara wanted to ride it and we all agreed, that would be a good idea. Now let me tell you, that the night before Karis had woken up at least three times. Travel always messes with the little ones sleep schedules the most it seems. I was running on pure adrenaline and excitement that day! Right before we made our way to the train depot we had been in the tiny knife shop, because two of our boys wanted a wooden knife kit! Our Asher and Ryland had seen these knives early that morning and had asked for them throughout the day. They wanted to put their wooden knives together later that evening back at the cabin. The store as mentioned is pretty tiny and was super crowded! I was in there with 3 of my 4 kids. Karis' stroller seemed to be blocking half the store, Abram was running around knocking toy guns over and Asher was whining to buy his knife. The cashier had seemed to disappear as well so we stood in line for a long time. It was ugly, and I felt extremely frazzled!
Finally we made our way to the depot. A long line had formed and the conductor was yelling out that this would be the last ride of the day! I rolled up with Karis in her stroller and was told I needed to park if off to the side. Now usually, I have Amos with me for this part. One of us gets Karis out, (usually Amos) and one of us grabs the diaper bag off the stroller. So I parked the stroller, put on the brake, unhooked the diaper bag and threw it over my shoulder. Amos was dealing with Abram, who was throwing a fit. My two older boys were arguing over a funnel cake. Bryce, Amanda's little boy decided he needed to go to the bathroom right then! So off they ran, hopefully to make it back in time to catch the train. The two men had started making their way to the line with the 5 other kids. It was chaos again and we were all worried about making it into the depot and onto the last train ride.
We safely made it into the depot after standing in line and then telling the attendant how many we had in our group. I had the funnel cake in my hand and the diaper bag on my back. I was pleading with the boys to stop fighting over said funnel cake. I looked around at Amos and Steve (Amanda's husband) then I gasped and asked where Karis was!! I immediately tossed the funnel cake at Amos and started running back towards the stroller. I was panicked and my heart was sinking. I made my way through the crowded depot, and the line outside to the stroller. Two moms were standing by Karis, who was sitting happily in her stroller. I ran up and unbuckled her, taking her in my arms and hugging her close. I told the moms that she was my child, laughing nervously as I explained myself. I thanked them so much for watching her and keeping her safe. It had been maybe a total of five minutes. But of course as parents we know that five minutes is so long. Five minutes is long enough to drown, to be run over, get kidnapped, choke to death. Five minutes is a long time to leave your one year old daughter unattended in a theme park.
The two moms again asked me if she was mine and told the park employees to call of the security they had just informed about the unattended toddler. I thanked them again and they went back to their spots in line. I then started making my way back towards the train depot. When I was almost to the door of the depot a woman in line yelled out to me. She sternly said, that is UNACCEPTABLE. I turned around towards her and said, I am sorry what? She then told me that leaving my child like that was completely unacceptable and dangerous. I was dumbfounded. I stuttered and almost immediately the tears began to flow. I stood there clinging tightly to Karis on my hip and tried to defend myself. I blurted out something awkward about how I had lost a child and would never dream of endangering my other children (I think its strange how my mind immediately went to Koralyn. I laughed later at what I said, wondering if they thought I meant I had literally lost another child and not that she had died. Those people probably thought I really was an awful parent!) I told them that I loved and had prayed for Karis. I would never purposely leave her alone, it had been an awful mistake. It was then that a big man towards the front of the line repeated the woman's sentiment to me. How dangerous it was and how really truly unacceptable it had been. They kept using that word, unacceptable. A third person began to speak and chastise me. It was then that I turned and made my way back into the refuge of the depot. Afraid that if I stayed I would just get more upset and distraught. Trying to defend my mistake just wasn't working.
I walked up to Amos crying. Amanda gently took Karis from me and began hugging me and reassuring me it was okay. She shared a story with me about a time she had left her youngest for a few moments when he was newborn. How heart wrenching it was when she realized what she had done.How panic and guilt had set in for her as soon as she realized her mistake. Amos too reassured me that everything was fine. He pointed out that we could even see the stroller parking from inside the depot. Once I had Karis back in my arms, she looked at me and patted my face ever so sweetly. I think she was telling me, its okay mama, see, I am fine!
As we stood there, I kept asking everyone if they were sure it had only been five minutes. If we had only left her sitting there alone for five minutes. Because the woman who confronted me, had told me I left her there for far too long, for a dangerously long time. I don't disagree, that even five minutes is far too long to leave your baby anywhere. I was just so worried it was longer than that. How could we have left our girl there. How could I have done that as her mother! I love Karis so much, and wanted another daughter so badly after we lost Koralyn, and then in a moment of chaos I just forgot her in her stroller. I forgot her because I was stupidly so concerned with making it onto the train in time. I was so concerned about the diaper bag and the boys fighting and the long line.
I cringe to think if the train had left earlier and we were on it, how it would have all played out? Would we have realized loading up, that none of the adults actually had Karis? Or would we be down the tracks when we noticed? I can picture myself panicking even more and pulling the emergency line in the train car. Terrified of where my baby could be. Guilt consuming me. That gut wrenching punch when you realize your child is not with you as you thought they were. I just keep playing out all the different scenarios in my head of what could have happened. I keep thanking God for protecting her during those minutes we left her sitting there. I have even wondered, did she realize we had left her? Was she crying before those nice moms came to her side? Was she scared? It makes my heart hurt to think about these things.
During the time standing with our group back in the depot I continued to cry quietly. Just the weight and the guilt was sinking in. I know I said earlier that when I went back to Karis' stroller I laughed nervously. I have always laughed at very inappropriate times it seems. You know, the nerves take over and its like a defense mechanism. I laugh during heated arguments or serious events. So awkward! I wonder now if I looked so nonchalant laughing about forgetting my child in her stroller. I wonder if that is why the woman in line spoke up and others joined her; because they felt like I needed to realize how serious it was to leave my baby alone in a theme park. Because they needed to put me in my place? Who knows their motives. I know I never will.
During that time before the train loaded, I had 3 women come up to me and comfort me. They had all seen what had happened. They were all standing in line watching it play out.They each made a separate effort to come find me. Each hugged me and told me not to worry about the words of those strangers. One told me that we all make mistakes as mothers and any mom knows that. One told me that she could see I was in distress and sick over what had happened and that no one needed to heap shame or guilt on top of what I was already feeling. These women saw a fellow struggling mom,a mom with multiple children, tired and frazzled. Trying to keep track of it all. They saw me and so kindly came to comfort me and try to build me back up. I am so grateful for those sweet women. For their love and reassurance that it was okay. One mistake does not a bad mom make. Lets face it moms, don't we make some mistakes every single day? We want so badly to do it right, to be perfect but we just can't. That is okay. Some mistakes are big, like forgetting your child at school or in their stroller at a theme park. Some are small like forgetting to wash school uniforms or their sandwich in their lunchbox.
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| The boys enjoying the train ride and watching the train robbery during the stop! |
Later that night, Amos and I were talking about the events and how usually he would get Karis out of her stroller while I got the diaper bag. We came to the conclusion, that due to the earlier chaos and the sleep deprivation, my brain just went into autopilot and I assumed he had gotten her. In reality he had walked away to tend to Abram. There were three other adults in our group and honestly, I was the first one to realize Karis wasn't with us. I say all this not to make excuses or pardon my mistake. I say all this to point out that we are all human. Deprive us of sleep, change our routine, add in crowds and loud noise, and well mistakes can happen. Awful, terrifying, mistakes. I point this out too, because leaving or forgetting one of my children is literally one of my biggest fears. With four kids, three being loud and rambunctious boys, I often feel stressed and frazzled. I always ask Amos when we get in and out of the car if we have all the kids. I am constantly checking to make sure all are with us. If our routine changes for a day, I will often panic, only to realize the kids are all safe and accounted for even if they are not with me. This is a worry for me almost on a daily basis and yet, I forgot Karis in her stroller at a theme park. It can happen to anyone, it really and truly can.
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| The next day, all together, all was well. This time we forgot the stroller but Karis wasn't in it! Ha! |
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| Karis and Daddy, right after our train ride! I don't think we put her back in the stroller that day! |
I later said to my friends and Amos, that isn't it funny that I had 3 women, 4 including Amanda and Amos and Steve reassure me it was okay. They all spoke kindness and words of life back into me. But the strangers in line? They still seemed louder. I still kept hearing them tell me how unacceptable of a mother I was. Now again, I am not sure if those strangers meant their words for good or for evil, but they were filled with judgment and scorn. They hurt, they shamed and embarrassed me.
I tell you all this story because I want you to see a few things. I want you to see that moms can love their kids so much. We can pray for these children we are given before they ever arrive. We can do our very best and want so badly to be perfect. Moms, we will still fail and make mistakes. That is okay, really it is. Mistakes and failure are not what we should strive for or even settle for. We should accept that we so badly need Jesus and each other to help us along this mothering road. Strive for excellence but forgive yourselves when you fall ever so short sometimes. Tell those precious babies of yours that you make mistakes too just like them. These moments are great opportunities to share our need for Jesus with them. To share the gospel with them. We live in a fallen world and none of us can ever be perfect for each other, even when we want to be.
Second I want to thank Amanda and those other sweet moms who came to me in an ugly and embarrassing moment and spoke life and kindness into my hurting heart. Thank you, don't stop doing that. Don't stop picking other women up when they have fallen. This world needs kindness and grace so badly and in that moment each of you became kindness and grace for me. Because of my issues with self worth, something like this can literally cripple me with guilt and shame, but because of you, I can forgive myself. I can rest assured that I am not the only mama who has made a mistake or even the only mama who has forgotten her child in a moment of chaos and exhaustion. Keep speaking life ladies. Thank you so very much for lifting me up. I pray someone will do the same for you in your time of need, in your ugly or embarrassing moments.
Lastly, to the people who spoke up to me about the error of my ways. Thank you for caring about our Tiny Sister and my mothering skills. Rest assured that because you spoke up, I don't think I will ever forget my child in her stroller again. I am not sure if you meant your words to hurt me, or to teach me. They did both. I hold no ill will towards you. My only request is that you would remember that most of us really are trying to do our best. Our best at life and at mothering. Remember your early days as a parent, try and remember some of your mistakes and scary moments. Be soft and kind. Please, the world is so broken and hurt, fellow moms need to speak life and be kind to one another. Lets all try to leave our judgement at home locked away, or better yet thrown in the trash where it belongs.
Being a good mom can be so hard and scary, even when you are just trying to have a fun day at a cute little theme park! On that note, moms of multiple children, always, always, always, check the stroller before boarding the train, plane or automobile! HA!
