In the months leading to December I kept seeing things that are meant to remind us that the decade is almost over. Mostly posts on social media telling us all to go for it, there are only X amount of days left in this entire decade! Live your dream, take that risk! It can be overwhelming for anyone to think about a whole decade passing you by without much achievement or fanfare. I have tried not to get too overwhelmed, but instead reflect on the past 10 years.
Over the last several days I have really been thinking about my last decade and all I have seen, and done. As I have sat with my thoughts, prayers, and reflections, I have realized this last decade might be my most lived one yet. I have tried to bring to mind all I have done in the past 10 years. Thinking of babies had, trips taken, moves made. I was really astounded to think of the life I have lived over these last 3, 652 + or- days. Here are just a sample of things we have lived out in these days:
I have had 4 babies in the last 10 years, including one that was very medically fragile.
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Asher James Technically before the new decade December 2009
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| Abram Jace November 2013. Such joy and elation with his "normal" birth |
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| Our Tiny Karis Mabel October 2015 |
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| Last, but not least, Alden Jonah our happy boy, February 2019 |
I have seen my first two babies grow from a toddler and infant, to a teen and a ten year old boy. My last 3 from newborns to kindergartener, preschooler, and a most precious, and happy 10 month old baby boy.
I have buried one of those precious babies, my beloved maternal grandmother, and both my parents in that time. Also attending funerals for friends, cousins, and uncles over the last 3, 650 days. A tragic accident, a congenital heart defect, cancer, all the reason death came to darken our doors.
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| Seeing my Grandma's death date etched into my grandparents grave when we went to the cemetery to make arrangements for our Mom's burial. March 31, 2012 is when she passed at 94 years old. Just 7 weeks before my Mom's death |
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| My Mom's funeral May 25, 2012 |
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Koralyn's Funeral July 27, 2012
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I have made friends, grown friendships, and lost some friendships I never dreamed I would lose. One particularly painful friendship loss in 2018 that I have very much grieved for over these past two years.
I have chosen to send my kids to private Christian school, homeschool and then with resolve and fear, public school.
I have had two heart procedures to try and fix my SVT. It goes away for awhile, but always seems to find a new pathway in my scar tissue.
I have taken many family vacations, driving and flying thousands of miles across the country and seeing some beautiful places here in our United States.
I have watched my nephews grow from little boys to young men, and watched as my sister married and added 5 more nieces and nephews to the family.
I sat in an Oncologists office with both my Dad and my Husband as they were being diagnosed with cancer.
These are only just a sample of the minutes, hours and days myself and my loved ones have lived over the last decade. I have had some of the best days and undoubtedly some of the very worst days of my life over the last 10 years.
A few of the worst days etched forever into my soul:
The day we were told our baby girl yet to be born was very sick and might not even live to birth. AV Canal defect and Downs Syndrome were the words we heard that day. Later to be changed to Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome.
The day I sat in my living room, nine months pregnant with that precious daughter. Looking out the front windows onto the field of bluebonnets in full bloom across the street as I spoke through the phone and I told my Grandma Juanita I loved her so much and it was okay to let go. She couldn't form words, but uttered sounds, and I knew that was the last time I would ever hear her voice this side of heaven.
The sunny Sunday evening I received a phone call from my sister who could barely choke out the words that our Mom had been killed hours earlier in a horrific motorcycle accident. I can tell you the very spot on the sidewalk I stopped to hear those dreaded words and felt my world crashing in around me.
A few days later after my 30th birthday when I boarded a flight alone, leaving my sons, husband and medically fragile daughter to go to my hometown and help my Sister lay my Mother to rest.
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| I will be forever grateful for my very best friend Nora who was by my side while I buried my mom. Nora and our pastor Daniel were such blessings to me during the hardest time of my life. |
July 27, 2012 when we laid her tiny coffin in the ground and covered it with dirt. I am so grateful our faithful pastor spoke words of life and our hope in eternity over us in those dark days.
The day my Sister called from a Saint Louis hospital and told me my Dad's body was riddled with cancer and the surgeon there could do nothing else for him.
The day my Dad came to live in Dallas and fight his cancer at Baylor. Then the day the Oncologist told him the cancer seemed to be responding to the chemo and radiation. It would be only a few months later we would sit in that same room and be told it was time to consider hospice.
The last days I spent with my Dad as he lay dying in a hospital bed in my Sisters living room.
It was a sunny day when we drove up to the Jemez with his ashes to spread them around the mountains he loved to take us camping in as small girls.
The day one of my best and most beloved friends sent me a text message telling me all the reasons she just couldn't be my friend anymore. I have mourned that day much over the last year and a half.
The March day just last year when I was sitting with my newborn as two men rang my doorbell. I thought they were salesmen, but they were from CPS and I was being accused of abusing my sons. Oh the shock and dismay I felt. The shame and disbelief I still feel and struggle with today as I think no good mom would ever have CPS called on her. (The charges were found to be unfounded and the case was closed)
Just the next day when my husband decided to come home from work early and I walked in to him clearly distraught as he uttered the words Oncologist and rare cancer. That week was one of the lowest of my life besides the week my Mom was killed and the week my daughter died.
As I sit here now, I can recall more dark days leading up to, and after these moments listed above. These days were the darkest I have ever lived in my life. These days were days when I had to lean on God and His sovereignty because my world was rocked and there was absolutely nothing else to lean on. These days I cried wild and hot tears and hoped that death would swallow me too, if only to relieve me from my current reality.
Oh but if I only focused on these dark days of the past decade I would not be doing it full justice. For in the midst of all that grief and trauma so much joy and good occurred too.
The days my girlfriends and I got together for dinners and talks. The times they threw me baby showers to celebrate with me, what good was to come.
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| Koralyn's Baby shower. Such a kindness from friends and a very happy day for me. |
The days my Abram Jace, Karis Mabel, and Alden Jonah were born! November 13, 2013, October 16, 2015 and February 8, 2019. Days I was privileged to become a mother again.
The days we purchased new homes and celebrated all the life to come in each one!
All the birthdays and wedding anniversaries we have been blessed to celebrate.
One of my favorite birthdays for the boys was their 5th and 3rd when we celebrated at The Rangers Ballpark. This was their birthday celebration just a few months after Koralyn died. We were acutely aware of what a privilege it was to be able to celebrate a birthday then and celebrate we did!
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| Birthday Party at The Ballpark! |
One of my favorite anniversaries with Amos was our big 10, when we went away alone for the first time really and we traveled all the way to Niagara Falls Canada. What a magical time we had remembering what it was like to be young and in love.
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| Niagara Falls Celebrating 10 years of marriage 2014 |
The days I got to celebrate my sister graduating from college and adopting her kids. I know my parents must be so proud of her.
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| Celebrating Krystal getting her teaching degree |
The days and moments when our own children are kind, generous, and loving. We see hope and are reminded that the work we are putting into them will hopefully see them to a fruitful adulthood living for Christ and others.
The days we have watched as our children must do hard things and they do it and realize that they can. They can be both fearful and courageous and get things done!
The days I was privileged to co-chair the Congenital Heart Walk in honor of my girls, my own two heart warriors, and see the work come to fruition alongside other families with children and loved ones like mine. Oh to put your heart into something good. So many friends helped me succeed at holding the walk in DFW for the first time!
All the days we have done good things to honor our lost loved ones and all the times our family and friends partnered with us to make big and small things happen for the good of others. It helps us bring purpose to our pain.
The day I got to step back into Cook Children's Hospital as a volunteer for the first time. I was so happy to be able to give back in the place where so much was given to us and for us while Koralyn was alive and fighting HLHS. Not to mention all the times our other 5 kids have needed and received great care there.
The trips and family vacations we have been so excited to take! Even the ones where we come back telling stories of run over strollers and near death experiences! Heck when we are old those will be our favorite ones to talk about.
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| The trip we drove the Blue Ridge Parkway and MeMaw came along! Thats a bear deciding to join our picnic. |
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| Faces of pure joy at Disneyland |
The day Asa professed his faith in Christ and was baptized!
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| The day Asa was baptized April 2019 |
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| Asa's Baptism |
As I reflect on both the darkest days of my 37 years, and also some of the brightest and best that have all happened within this decade, I must acknowledge that God gave me every single one. He has sustained me and carried me. He is good in both the bright light, and even more so, in the deep darkness of grief and pain. I have truly learned over the past decade that God is indeed near to the brokenhearted and He binds up their wounds. I have grown and been stretched more than in any other decade before that I can recall.
As I sit here and reflect, Ecclesiastes chapter 3 comes to mind. "For everything there is a season, and time for every purpose under heaven..."
This decade I have been so privileged to bring much life into this world with my babies. I have also been privileged (privileged in the sense that they were in my life at all) to say goodbye to so many loved ones, some of the most influential and important people in my life. So much life and death in a 10 year span. I can say without a doubt that God has been with me through it all. I am still working through my grief and trying to figure out this life and the living in it. My hope for this next decade is to be more faithful, more kind, gentle, and to be open to God's plans above my own. I can say sitting here today, on the eve of a brand new year, and a brand new decade, I am grateful for each and every day of the last 10 years. I know that the valley days have brought me closer to Christ then I have ever been in my life. I know that the good days of sweet joy have helped sustain me and give me the hope to keep going. God has been good to me these last 10 years, and has taught me and blessed me so much. He has held me fast, and I pray He continues to do so in the next decade.
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