You've got to have friends

I have a set of friends that mean the world to me. These women were there for me during Koralyn's life, death, and the aftermath. Alicia, and Stacie, watched my boys for several weeks during that almost 4 month span. Alicia came to the hospital with my favorite apricots and cuddled my baby the day after my Mom died. She was so supportive and watched and loved my boys well, during this time.  Stacie was one of the first friends I called after receiving the awful news of my Mom's accident and death. She sat with me in the laundry room of the Ronald McDonald House as I cried and told her I couldn't believe this was my life. Several of these women literally held me up, as we walked out of Cook Children's into the parking garage on that day our daughter died. They all stood with me as Koralyn's tiny casket was lowered into the ground. They brought me tissues and dinner in the weeks following. Some like Amber, who came running the night my Mom died,  have moved away, but some I am blessed to still get to see. I don't know if these women will ever know what they mean to me.

A few of us ladies started having girls nights out several years back. We call each other The Church Ladies. Becky was the first to say it one evening. We all met when we were members of the same church. Several of the ladies still attend Matthew Road, while some of us have moved on.  I cherish these girls nights. It is such a welcome break for me, because I am a stay at home mom, and always surrounded by little people. Being a stay at home mom can get lonely. This has been exacerbated for me with moving twice in the last two years. I now live at least an hour from any close friends and church family, I am in a time of transition and its been hard and lonely.

The last several times the ladies have gotten together for a night out, I have been traveling and unable to attend. When I got a text asking if we could do a girls night the weekend before my birthday, the next Tuesday, my heart sunk. I would be gone again, this time for a nice trip  alone with my husband, which is rare and much needed for us. While I was excited to go away with Amos my heart hurt at the thought of missing another girls night. You see, the ladies do sweet things for our birthdays (gift cards, little trinkets, treating each other to dinner or drinks) for the last two years the ladies have gone out the weekend right before my birthday and I have been unable to make it. I know its just a coincidence but it still makes me sad. The last 3 or 4 outings I have literally been out of town each time. I was feeling hurt and left out, much like a child who doesn't get invited to a party the rest of the class is going to. I know these ladies would never hurt me on purpose but emotions are a fickle friend.  No matter how logical you are, and how much you tell yourself its no big deal, and they aren't doing it on purpose, being left out hurts at any age. I think for me my hurt is heightened because I have such an emotional attachment to these ladies. I feel close, and want to remain close to them, because they were there for me at such a pivotal point in my life and have loved me so well since then.

My hurt and feelings of loneliness were only made worse by the fact that May is a confusing month for me, and like it or not, I know my emotions are on edge. Mother's Day, Amos' birthday, my Mom's death day, and then two days later my birthday. Its a month of mixing much joy with much sadness. I celebrate Mother's Day with all my littles and my sweet husband, who always make such an effort to make it special. At the same time, its a painful reminder that I am a daughter without a mother to celebrate here on earth. For me, Mother's Day will first and foremost remind me of my Mother, because before I ever became a mother, I was my Mother's daughter. Again, I know I am surely not the only daughter celebrating Mother's Day without my mom. I know I was blessed to ever have a mom worth celebrating, some don't even get that privilege.

My Mom and sister, the day Asa was born and I became a mom! Notice Grandma Kay is giving Asa the shoe, for being such a rascal even in the womb!

So May is just a month full of emotions. Amos and I went to Nacogdoches for the weekend and it truly was a blessing to get away. We talked a lot about our kids, their recent behavior and the changes we have gone through. I cried a lot about managing them all when Amos works his 9 hour days and is gone for about 12 hours a day. Just wanting so badly to do a good job and love them well, but also get their disrespect under control. Feeling so lonely in my mothering these days. It doesn't help that when I do try to get out of the house with them, there always seems to be a critic waiting to tell me how loud, unruly and rude they are. Our society seems to be less and less loving and friendly towards children. Now I know my 3 boys together in line wrestling and being crazy is overwhelming. I know Karis screaming at sonic levels because her brother looks at her funny is also insane. What I want these critics to know is that I am trying. I struggle sometimes, but I am trying. Trying to teach my boys how to stand in a line properly. Trying to teach my girl, screaming is not okay unless you are hurt, or being kidnapped. Trying so hard to raise them with manners and respect and honor. The truth is though, that sometimes kids are kids and they run out of patience and they fuss and they act wild at inappropriate times. Some days they are great, quiet, and kind.  Other days, they act like they have never been taught a single proper manner in their lives. We are trying though, we really are.

I don't want to make someone in the line at McDonalds angry. I don't want to ruin your shopping trip because my daughter is screaming. I don't want to be shamed at the orthodontist because my husband works an hour away and I have no family close and don't know babysitters yet. So I have to bring my 4 kids to the appointment and we get stuck in the tiny torture room (exam room) and after an hour they start to lose their minds and its all I can do to walk out of their not bawling. Now don't get me wrong, every once in awhile I get a smile or a kind word, an attaboy from some kind stranger, it just seems these days that there tends to be more critics then encouragers when you are a mom out with your 4 rambunctious kids, even at supposed kid friendly places like McDonalds or the kids section of the library. I had a lady the other day McDonalds see me struggling with my two boys wrestling and playing in line, so she Kindly looked me in the eyes and shook her head. When I tried to calm my boys down and scold them, she decided it was her chance to move to the front of the line. This felt cruel, making everyones misery last, because it meant me and my crazy boys were in line that much longer. Just little things like that, that feel so big,  when I am already struggling to convince myself to leave my house, to get out and get a breather from the loneliness and the chores.

So Back to my original thought. My birthday came, Tuesday May 22. It happened to be the day of the big 5th grade celebration to Splash Kingdom, with the pancake breakfast for parents. I will be honest, I didn't want to get up on my birthday and get ready and head to the school extra early for a breakfast. I wanted to sit in bed and sip a hot cup of coffee and take a long hot shower to wake up. Being a mom, I didn't want to Disappoint Asa, after all it wasn't just any breakfast, it was marking the end of elementary school for him. So I went of course. I ended up helping move around supplies and pass out pancakes. I got more than a little hurt when I realized Asa had walked right past me, sat down and eaten his breakfast without me. I mean come on kid, thats the whole reason I was there! Add insult to injury my boys didn't even realize it was my birthday. I got so hurt that Amos didn't make it a point to tell them to be sweet and kind, to tell me happy birthday on our ride to school. How dare he right ladies? It didn't matter he had made the effort to take a vacation day and stay with the littles so I could take the big boys to school and do Asa's breakfast with a little less chaos. There go those crazy, irrational emotions again, only focusing on the lack instead of the effort made by others.

I thought later that night about my parents, how many times as a child, teen and selfish young adult, did I forget their birthdays? I thought about the years my Mom was a single mother, how she must have had several birthdays where she felt forgotten and unloved. I thought about how we never threw her a big party for her 50, then her 55th rolled around and my sister and I promised we would throw her that big party for her 60th. Turned out, she never made it there and our opportunity to show her love and celebrate her life with her friends and family is lost. Don't put off for tomorrow what you could do today, as they say. Celebrate your loved ones while you have the chance. I know that it hurt my Mom, that we didn't throw her that party. She was always so good at celebrating others and I know she wanted to be celebrated too. Its human nature to want to be loved and celebrated isn't it?

After my breakfast with Asa, I went back home and Amos, the littles and I headed to the Ft. Worth Zoo for some birthday fun! I was not in a great mood but tried my best to realize my blessings and have fun with my littles at the Zoo. Seeing Karis and Abram have fun and enjoy the animals did help bring me out of my self pity funk.

Karis, Abram, and I, feeding the giraffes on my birthday!

After the Zoo, Amos dropped me off for my chosen birthday gift. An afternoon at a day spa in Ft. Worth. I was so looking forward to a nice massage and just the calm and quiet of a spa. Afterwards, Amos was going to pick me up for a dinner out. My very sweet friend Jessica, agreed to drive over an hour to watch the kids so Amos and I could eat a nice meal.

The spa was great! I enjoyed my quiet time. I got a facial, massage and pedicure. I rarely ever spend money like that on myself but really needed some quiet relaxation. I figured instead of gifts, this quiet time of pampering and mimosas would do me wonders. It went by all too quickly of course. Amos picked me up in Ol' Red and asked me where I would like to have dinner. I had seen friends on facebook post about Uncle Julios and the chocolate Piñata so I asked him to take me there. We were looking forward to sitting at a quiet table and talking, just enjoying our meal together without having to feed little ones or fight them climbing out of their seats.

We arrived and I wanted to sit on the patio but Amos decided inside would be better. Turns out that was the first mistake. The hostess sat us in the center of the restaurant where all the guests and waitstaff pass. It was a very loud spot. Amos and I couldn't hear each other at all. It felt even more overwhelming to me because the music was so so loud. I decided to go ask the hostess if she could move us to the patio after all. The not so friendly hostess rolled her eyes and said she didn't think they could do that because they were setting up out there for several large parties. I was a little dumbfounded but said okay and sat down. Thats when Amos decided to ask our waiter. He also said no. It was after he walked away, I looked at Amos and just started to bawl. I don't know if it was the result of my massage releasing chemicals or hormones or what, but I started to cry and just couldn't stop. It didn't matter that I was in a crowded room full of people. It didn't matter that poor Amos was sitting across from me at a loss for what to do. It didn't matter that when our waiter realized I was crying he wouldn't come back to our table. I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. now I wasn't bawling loudly or making a huge scene with my bellowing. I just was quietly crying. I am talking scrunched ugly face, waterworks flowing heavily, sometimes my body shook from the cries. Every once in awhile a fellow customer or employee would look at our table and then quickly turn away.

so there I sat, smack dab in the middle of that loud Mexican restaurant, crying my eyes out, unable to stop. The tears just flowed as I thought about my girlfriends who weren't celebrating with me. I looked around at the tables full of families, at least 4 birthday parties inside the restaurant and two graduation celebrations outside. Apparently Uncle Julios really is the place to celebrate. I sat there looking around at the parties, remembering my birthdays from childhood when we would go to Caruso's or Rancho De Corrales, or even the little Chinese restaurant on Southern with my Aunt Sheila. I sat there thinking of my Mom and my Aunt Ann, my sister and all my cousins I no longer see. Thinking of celebrations past and how once upon a lifetime ago my family would have been sitting around a table with me celebrating. That tiny table for two suddenly felt very lonely. You know crying in a crowded restaurant is much like depression in a way, in the fact that in a room full of people you suddenly feel totally alone and excluded from the celebrations and the life going on around you. The fact of the matter is, I was sitting there feeling pretty damn sorry for myself in that moment. Feeling rejected by my friends, abandoned by my family and bitter towards all the strangers around me celebrating with those things I didn't have.

I eventually got up from the table and tried to calm myself down in the bathroom. I stoped crying for a few minutes but started back up again when the waiters started bringing out the cakes and the chocolate Piñatas for the surrounding tables. Our poor male waiter and my poor husband just wanted us to finish our sad little dinner and get out I am sure of it. After I ate my enchiladas through tears, I made my way outside and sat down on the curb next to the truck and cried some more. The ride home was pretty silent. I apologized to Amos for not being able to stop my tears. After looking back on the day I think it was a number of things that lead up to that moment in the restaurant. I believe a lot of it was my complicated and pent up grief. Sitting at that table looking around at all the tables FULL of families and celebrations made me think of the family of my childhood that no longer exists. As I said above, May is hard month what with Mother's Day (When I celebrate my blessings but also miss my own mom and my sweet Koralyn) My Mom's death day and then mine and Amos' birthdays. Just so many emotions. Count in the fact that we moved a month before and were still adjusting to our new school, home and community and missing the familiar and my friends so. I always try to hold in my tears, it wasn't always that way. I have always been emotional and a crier, but ever since 2012 I guess I have felt like people are waiting for me to lose it and I don't want to prove them right. Silly I know. I guess thats why I caused a scene at the Uncle Julios, you can only hold it in for so long.

We came home where sweet Jessica had all the kids in pjs watching Paddington Bear. Amos and the kids had decorated with a Happy Birthday banner and balloons. Karis had picked out the cutest kitty cat cake for me. Jessica even decided to sit down with us and have a piece of cake before going home. It suddenly hit me, I am still so blessed. Blessed with sweet friends like Jessica, a husband who puts up with my crap and 4 living, healthy, crazy, beautiful kids. Yes there are people I miss dearly, but if all I focus on is whats missing, I will miss whats right in front of me. Not that I can always control when my grief hits. I have learned over the last 6 years it truly does come in waves, as time passes the big huge tsunami waves come less, but they still come. It is okay to ride those waves but its not okay for me at this point to let the waves carry me out to sea again. I need to keep sight of the shore, of my family and my kids and the here and now.

The last two years have been hard and isolating for me. I have battled depression on top of the anxiety I have struggled with for most of my life. Turns out, its very common for children with medical issues, who grow into adults with medical issues, to struggle with anxiety and depression too. It is also very common for parents of medically fragile children (Koralyn) to experience these things too. It has been hard for me to admit my depression. I felt like such a failure. A spiritual failure. After all, if I just had more faith in the promises of God I wouldn't be depressed right? Its my fault. All the times people told me I was so strong and now look at me. I know thats so silly, but I tend to wear the labels others speak into me, good or bad. Pride I know. I am humbled in this position of no longer relying on my own strength but crying out to God on a daily basis to keep me breathing again. Depression is not a matter of wills, and I realize that now.

A few days after my birthday, I decided I was going to spit in the face of bitterness and grief, so to speak. I decided I wasn't going to let my only memory of Uncle Julios and my 36th birthday be me bawling at a table for two, surrounded by strangers. I decided I was going to take my lemons and make some damn good lemonade. I was going to walk back into that restaurant with my head held high and order that  famous chocolate piñata I never got on my birthday. I was going to sit at a big table with my NOW family,  the one God has so graciously blessed me with. My husband, who loves me and our kids so well, and those 4 crazy kids I  was privileged to carry in my body. I would sit and bask in the glory of my current table and not grieve over the tables of my past. I would order that chocolate piñata and soak in the laughter of my children as I broke it with a bat. We would sit and share that big dessert and celebrate mine and Amos' birthdays and the glorious last day of school for my kids.

So that is just what we did. We sat at a big round table in the corner. I looked around at my family and thanked God for this moment in time. It was empowering to choose joy in that moment. Some days, its so very hard to choose joy and gratefulness, but as long as God gives me breath, I will keep fighting for it. I have to, I can't let the darkness and bitterness overtake my soul, that isn't the legacy I want to leave my children, my husband, and most of all my Savior. I will keep breathing and keep fighting the good fight. A chocolate piñata and some lemonade should help along the way.

Uncle Julios chocolate piñata!