I remember it like it was yesterday, it was not long ago. A Sunday the 20th to be exact, two days before my 30th birthday, a milestone birthday. Anyone who really knows me, knows birthdays are important to me, I love them, my own and everyone elses too! I love to celebrate and decorate and have a blast. I had opened a gift from my mom the night before that of course said, "do not open until your birthday." I didn't follow my moms directions and opened my gift early. It was a book, a daily devotional to be exact "Jesus Calling." Oh how very glad I am that I opened my gift early!
We had just finished dinner at the Ronald Mcdonald House, Italian, cooked by my wonderful friends, Cyndi, Stephanie, Doug, and Jennifer. We had stayed a little longer than planned, talking and eating and feeling blessed to have such a wonderful church family. We finally pulled ourselves away and gathered the boys things to go back home with Amos for the week. Walking along the sidewalk outside the old clinic building, I picked up my phone and realized I had missed several calls from my family members. I said to Amos who was walking ahead of me with Asher on his shoulders and Asa at his side carrying all their things "uh oh, something must be wrong everyone is calling me." The first person that popped into my head was my grandmother, Gran as we call her. I thought maybe she was sick, or hurt, or worse. I called my sister and immediatly heard her wailing, my heart leaped in my chest and I then assumed it was one of my nephews, Jack or Tyler. I thought oh no, one of them has been seriously hurt or maybe even killed. My sister through her sobs was telling me she and Jeff and Larae were at the hospital and something terrible had happened. I kept asking her what and she just kept telling me its bad Kenda, its so bad. Finally, on shaky knees I yelled at her and demanded she tell me what was going on. She cried more and said it was mom, Kenda, its mom. She blurted out that mom was in an accident and she was dead, dead Kenda, mom is dead. I laughed one hard laugh from my gut and said no! At first I literally thought it was a joke, that my sister and my mom were playing a joke on me. By this time Amos who was standing at the end of the sidewalk waiting to cross the street, figured out something bad was happening, I had stopped and was pacing back and forth by some stairs leading into the old clinic building. I will forever remember that sidewalk, where we were standing, what was said, what was felt in those first moments of getting life altering, life shattering news.
I didn't know where to go, what to say, I remembering saying no, over and over again, my sister saying yes over and over again and sobbing lots of sobbing. I remember asking my sister what they were doing, if she was sure, if she had actually seen my mom, what were her plans. Then I was so confused at first I started walking towards the hospital but realized I wasn't going to be able to walk into that building at this moment, so I told Amos we needed to go back to the RMH. As I was walking up the walkway to the front door of RMH I fell into the arms of my friend Stephanie. It was by God's grace that as we were walking back in, all my friends who were there that night were walking out. I truly believe God placed them there to help get us through those first moments when you can't breath or move or think. Stephanie immediately thought something had happened to Koralyn and asked "what happened to the baby." I said its not Koralyn, its my mom, my mom is dead, she was in an accident. I was trembling clutching Stephanie for dear life as Amos stood behind us. Eventually the group lead me inside to sit in the foyer of RMH as I sobbed, at this point Asa was scared and saying his tummy hurt and Amos was confused. I remember Cyndi getting on her knees in front of me and talking me through those first moments. Telling me I could do this, I had to for my husband and my boys, that this would be the hardest thing I ever had to do (that is other then give my child back to the one who gave her a short 2 months later) but that I could, I would do it. I would get through it, it would be hard and awful and ugly but with God and my family I could do it. Again Gods grace, he placed those 4 precious souls there that night to help me, Cyndi having experienced the untimely death of her own mother a few years earlier. I look back and think how amazing it is, the way God works, even in the midst of our worst nightmares, he is there carrying us.
The next few hours are a blur, I know I called my dad and Clint I talked calmly to Jeff about getting things started for my moms funeral and me getting out to New Mexico within the next couple of days. I tried again to talk to my sister, but I could not understand her words through her pain soaked sobs. Amos decided to stay at RMH in our room with the boys and I eventually headed back over to the hospital to see my sweet Koralyn, to hold her and love her and break the news to her nurse, so that she could then break the news to everyone else. While walking back over alone I called my friends, Stacie and Amanda, I needed them to grieve with me, to know my big awful secret. They two thougt at first that something had happened to Koralyn. I guess we all think our mothers will always be around, that we won't have to bury them until they, and we are old and gray. Some days it still seems unreal that my mom, the one who raised me, who was my security and comfort for so long, is gone. No longer here to talk, or hear my worries or complaints or funny stories about my boys. No longer here to call and ask me what I had for dinner, like only a mother would.
I went to Koralyns room in the corner of the NICU and told the nurse standing at the end of Koralyns crib that my mother had just been killed in a motorcycle accident. I remember loving on Koralyn and then going to the chapel down the hall, with the big stain glass of Noahs Ark. Sitting in the back pew by the window and calling my moms phone, willing her to pick up, tell me this was all a bad joke or a dream, telling me everything was going to be okay. I remember crying into her voicemail that I was sorry and I loved her and I wanted her to pick up, just pick up the phone mom. She didn't of course.
Sweet Amber came to sit with me late that night, in Koralyns room, she loved me and talked to me about her husbands big plans to honor God and his mom, who had recently passed away due to cancer. Somehow, I eventually made it back to our room on the second floor of RMH, where my sweet boys slept peacefully, and my husband met me at the door with worried eyes. I laid next to him and cried and eventually fell asleep. waking the next morning confused and then quickly struck with the realization that my mom, my 55 year old mom was no longer going to call me on my cell at 8:00am to ask me how our sweet Koralyn was doing.
The next morning I remember once again walking into Koralyns room and seeing sweet nurse Debbie standing there with Koralyn. She looked at me with kind and knowing eyes and gave me a hug. She told me she was proud of me and that I would be all right. You see, She was the most perfect person to take this 12 hour shift with us. She had lost her sweet 17 year old son in an auto accident and then her husband to cancer a year later. She knew my grief and it was such a blessing and a comfort to have her there with us. I will be forever greatful to her and to God for placing her there. Amazing woman for sure!
On the plane ride to New Mexico I sat down in one of the last rows with a window seat, realizing I would need to pump during the flight to keep my milk supply going. Two nice women sat down next to me. The older one nearest to me was so sweet and kind and helped me get my cover up over my head and everything situated, she talked about her daughters having to do the same thing for their children. Never asking questions about where my baby or rest of my family were. She and her daughter sitting next to me told me about how they were on a girls trip and were headed to meet the other sister/daughter in Seattle for a special week, just mother and daughters. I sat there thinking how ironic it all was.I wanted to blurt out that I was leaving my sick baby in the nicu to go bury my dead mom in the ground but didn't want to crush their happy spirit or ruin their trip with my sad story, so I smiled and said how nice it was. I left the flight feeling happy I hadn't ruined their fun and realizing I wasn't in Albuquerque to visit my mom but to plan her funeral and carry it out. I walked through the big revolving doors to where everyone stands to wait and at first I didn't see my sister but a women standing with her back to me, short red hair done just right and I thought to myself, oh,theres mom,
then my sister came into view and cold hard reality punched me in the gut.
Looking back at these first dark and awful days after my mom died, I see the hurt and pain and ugliness of it all, but I can also see Gods amazing mercy and grace in the people that walked alongside me, sometimes carrying me. I can say with certainty that God is still good, he is still my God and he is ever gracious and ever loving and he shows us, we just have to be open to seeing him in it.
"It is hard to have patience with people who say "death doesn't matter." There is death. And whatever IS matters. And whatever happens has consequences, and it, and they are irrevocable and irreversible. You might as well say that birth doesn't matter." C.S. Lewis
We can experience joy in adverse circumstances by holding God's benefits in such esteem that the recognition of them and meditation upon them shall overcome all sorrow." John Calvin
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