On Grief

Grief is a nasty thing. Its sneaky, like a thief in the night, it catches you off guard and knocks the wind out of you, dashes your hopes, makes you fear. Grief.

Since being home I am struck by the fact that things are much like before I left for the 15 weeks I was missing from my home, being a wife and a mom to my boys, living in my house, sleeping in my bed. The lost summer, as I like to call it. Of course there are differences, my kids got a little taller, a little older, maybe a little less innocent. My belly is no longer swollen with life as it was before, my mom no longer calls in the mornings before breakfast and in the evenings before dinner. From the outside looking in, you would never know we just went through hell and back again. The tunnel I wanted so badly to get out of, spit me harshly back into the glaring, hot, unforgiving sun and I am blinded now by that light I wanted to see, stumbling around, trying to regain my sight, get my bearings, figure out this new strange and yet eerily simliar land to the one I was in before I entered the tunnel.

Many people have compared the battle I just went through to the one of a soldier, and now here I am. I survived and have been brought back to my homeland. Yet I am forever changed, forever scared by what I have seen, and tasted and been through. When a soldier comes home, people expect them to be so happy and thankful and just get back into their lives and yet if we look at statistics that is rarely ever the case. So many times the soldier has trouble finding his balance, just getting back to "normal" life. Because of what he has witnessed, he will never be the same again, and he tries hard to reconcile his "new" old life with the one he had before he left and the one he lived while fighting his battle. Its hard and ugly and lonely. Grief is the loneliest road you will ever walk, no matter how many people you have around you, at some point you are left alone with  your grief and you have to find a way through it or drown in the waves that seem to overtake you every time your head reaches above water. Along with the grief comes massive guilt. You see, he wants to just get back to normal living but when he tries and succeeds, the guilt knocks and says, "how dare you have a happy thought, a smile, a moment of excitement anything good." The thoughts of what has been lost, the people that are no longer able to enjoy life overwhelms him and here comes another wave.

I am experiencing a lot of that guilt, I have moments of happiness, where I think to myself, wow, things are just like before and here I am at home again. Like I have finally come out of slumber and realized that it was all a bad dream. Having littles its hard to not go on and have to get back in the game, they need, and want and expect. So much feels the same and yet on the inside I am screaming, NO, NO, NO, Koralyn was here, she was real, she was worthy, I have the scars, both physical and emotional to show for her life. We all do, the boys ask a lot of questions that we try to answer to the best of our ability. There is a constant ache in my heart, everywhere I go I see and think about Koralyn. Every store with little girls clothes, every pregnant mama, her belly full of promise and life. Every baby stroller and highchair, the baby section in the grocery store, the Ronald Mcdonald House donation flyers at the mattress store and in the drive thru at Mcdonalds. Grief stalks you, it becomes your invisible partner, shadowing you wherever you turn. You look out and see all these people and you wonder do they know? Can they tell? You want them to know, you want them to know you loved this precious life and now she is gone and it hurts and it sucks and life is hard. You want them to say she mattered, she was and is loved, her life was  not wasted. You want to tell them about her smile and the way she kicked and got excited when you talked to her.  The way she felt in your arms, what a fighter she was, what a blessing she was. How something is missing and your heart will never be the same.

Along with the grief of Koralyn comes the grief of losing my mom. So evident when the phone no longer rings in the mornings and evenings. So evident when I am sick or the kids are sick and she doesn't call several times to check on us. Many times I have caught myself thinking about when she will call, or that I need to call her, then it hits me in the gut that she won't be calling. A hole, a constant hole. Even though my mom and I have lived so far apart for the last almost 8 years she was a bigger part of my life then I realized. When a daughter loses a mother she loses a piece of her identity. So much of what happened in my life, I told my mom about, related it to her, experienced it through telling her about it. Even when you are grown, you want your mom to be proud of you, love you and know you are doing your best. So many times lately I have thought about how things are a little less sweet or fun or colorful because I can't tell her about it anymore. Part of me just wants my mom, you never lose the need for your mom, I know that now. The morning of Koralyn's funeral my Mom was surely missed, the realization that she was no longer here was cold and real.When I realized she would have been taking care of us, making sure my kids were dressed and fed even through her grief she still woudl have been taking care of me in mine, and while my Aunt and Sister were there, nothing can replace your mom. This is both heartbreaking and so wonderful to know as a mom myself, if you do your job right you will be loved and missed, and as mothers, don't we all want to know we are needed and appreciated. My moms missed presence is a testament to the kind of mom she was, she did well, she did her job.

In this day and age we aren't allowed to grieve for long, we are supposed to get back up and pretend that things are okay and be tough and go on. I always thought it was so funny in Gone With The Wind when Scarlett is so tired of wearing her grief clothes over the death or her husband. I only wish we still followed these practices so that people knew to be kind and patient and loving towards you, you just went through a battle and lost someone near and dear to you. I wonder, who decided to do away with all these rituals that helped you and the community around you to heal and acknowledge and grieve? It is so helpful and good, when people acknowledge your grief, your loss, your hurt. I believe God made us to meet each other in our grief, after all Jesus was called a man of sorrows, he knew grief didn't he. He met Mary and Martha in their grief and wept with them.  I want to say to all who have met us in our grief, thank you, you have made a difference in our lives. We love you and know you love us and we are so thankful for you. To all who know someone grieving, meet them in their grief and help carry them, if only for a day or an hour, you won't regret it and they will be forever greatful.

This post might seem crazy, it was written over several 10 minute periods at the Mcdonalds play area, while my boys played. I am posting it now, because I want to and have more to say in other posts that are still in my head waiting to come out. Hope it makes sense!