Dear Mom,

Dear Mom, On May 20, 2023, it will be eleven years since your accident and death. Eleven years since I've heard you call me Roo or ask me how the boys, Amos, and Koralyn are doing. Two months after we buried you mom, Koralyn died. Oh how I longed for your presence at her funeral. How I longed for you to come and mother me in those dark moments. To sit beside me and hold my hand as I said goodbye to my own daughter. Aunt Ann and Krystal came, mom, they sat in your place and did their best to love me well in those minutes and hours. We all imagined you being there in heaven to greet Koralyn and welcome her home.

Two months earlier at your own funeral, Krystal and I tried very hard to make it beautiful for you. We had lots of help mom. Trent helped us secure the auditorium for your Funeral. Daniel Sweet, our beloved Pastor flew out to perform your service, he did so good and would perform Koralyn's service as well. We had extra flowers for you mom, because we know how you lvoed your flowers. You were dressed in the beautiful dress your wore to Krystal's wedding just two months before you died. Your hair was done just right and your makeup looked good too, we dug through your purse for your lipstick. I still remember the smell of your purse after all these years; perfume, gum, makeup, lotion, all the feminine smells of a mom. I know now why it bugged you so much when I would dig through without asking, my five kids do it constantly and I can't help but laugh and think of you and grandma telling us its not polite to dig through a ladies purse, especially without asking; I get it now mom. Tom Trotter, your friend, he made a beautiful slideshow of your life, as if a life can be captured in a short slideshow at a funeral. It was good though mom, and we tried hard to pick the music you would have loved and requested. I hope you saw our effort to love you well one last time on this earth. Im so sorry we never got to throw you that surprise party we all know you would have loved. We should have done it for your 55th birthday instead of being too busy and saying we could do it up big when you turned 60. How foolish of us, but who would have dreamed your life would end so abruptly on that sunny Sunday afternoon? Clearly and most certainly not us, your daughters who figured you would be around for at least 20 more years to watch your grandbabies grow and enjoy your retirement.

You are on my mind a lot these days. Its May now so Mother's Day is coming up. My 10th without you. The stores filled with gifts for mothers reminds me so unkindly I won't ever get the chance to buy you one more gift. I start anticipating the shelves being filled and the twinge of grief looming ever present as I walk through the stores knowing you are gone. You died two days before my 30th birthday mom. I remember I received your birthday gift to me that Saturday night. You always were excellent at gift giving and time managment, not wanting to let anyone down. Its how you showed your love for us, and I know you always loved receving gifts. Asa was five when you died and Asher was two, you were going to come back to Texas in June to visit and see Koralyn and help us with the boys if we were still in the hospital with her. I used your plane ticket to fly out to New Mexico alone to bury you. I remember I sat next to a mother and daughter meeting the other daughter for a girls weekend in Santa Fe I think. I sat there on the aisle seat feeling crushing weight as I pumped my breastmilk under a cover for my baby in the nicu. I would freeze it and then carry it back with me to the nicu milkbank for them to mix and put in her feeding tube. I don't think I told those women why I was flying, I couldn't get the words out and make them be true, but I won't ever forget the feeling that I would never be able to do that with you. I have missed so much with you mom. I've had 3 more babies since Koralyn. Each time I longed for you to be there. To mop my floors, to lovingly fold my laundry, to make things bright and beautiful for baby's homecoming. I missed you not visiting my hospital room and buying the kids popcorn and the baby presents. I missed seeing you snuggle my newborns and give them endless kisses like you did with Asa and Asher. I missed you mothering and grandmothering us all during each birth and transition for our family. I know you were worried about me having anymore after Koralyn mom, but gosh you would love them all. We have missed you at Christmas, birthdays, Easter, Thanksgiving. You were always so good at celebrating the 4th of July just isn't the same without you mom. The last 11 years have been hard mom, but I am trying so hard to do well. To love Amos and my kids well and to fight to stay in the light.I've had to fight my way through complicated grief, depression, and anxiety. I keep fighting though mom, because that was the example you set for me. Oh the things I might say to you if we could talk mom. I would tell you how sorry I am for how hard I was on you as a teen. How now as a mom of 5, with a good husband I see how hard you fought just to stay afloat mom. I can understand better the life choices you made that I condemned so harshly as an ignorant teen daughter. Im sorry you had it so hard mom and that no man ever really loved you well or put you first. I know you longed for that pretty much your whole life and seemingly went searching for it in all the wrong places. You deserved better mom, I hope you know that now in light of eternity.

I wear your perfume now. Almost 11 years on, most days are good and most memories and reminders of you make me smile instead of cry now. I still long for you to call and say Hey Roo how is everyone doing! I so wish it could have ended differently for you mom, death less tragic and with more dignity. Your life was hard, and your death and the aftermath was pretty excruciating. Even in death the men in your life didn't treat you with honor or respect and for that I am sorry mom. Its hard to think about all of that as your daughter. I want so badly to go back and protect you, protect us as your daughters. Don't worry mom, I fight hard for my joy, but as you know this life on earth is hard and painful sometimes. Losing you when I was just 29 and you were a young 55, has been one of those hard things mom. You made Krystal and I strong though mom and we have both fought to keep going and make you proud. I guess though I won't ever stop missing you and wanting you here to mother me and love on my kids. I guess that means despite everything mom, all our hard years and the hurt between us, you loved me well enough that I still long for your presence in my life, for your mothering of me. I will always be your daughter mom and I am sorry for all the times I didn't see your fragile humanity. I am sorry for the times I refused to see your effort and care for me. I often wonder too, what would you say to me if you had the chance? I hope to one day see you again, to hug you tight and to hear those words I have so longed to hear from you for the last 11 years, "Hi Roo!" I love you and miss you much mom, Happy Mother's Day.