Missing Mom

      I have been missing my Mom more then usual lately. It's sort of like a dull ache that won't go away, with sharp stabbing pains every once in awhile. Triggered by a memory, or a smell or seeing something familiar.

    Mother's Day weekend was very hard this year. I try my best to celebrate my Mom's life instead of focusing on her death and her absence. I do good most days, but sometimes the pain and the ache, it just comes and it demands attention. Fighting it is useless. The best thing to do is acknowledge its presence and welcome it in for awhile.

   It started when all the Mother's Day items began popping up in stores. The usual things, cards, flowers, coffee mugs and jewelry. Then the commercials on TV and even the radio. The ones about your mother and how much she has done for you. The reminders are everywhere this time of year, it can't be avoided it seems. I know that I am a mother and therefore the holiday is for me now as well. Yet I will always and forever be a daughter, before I am a mother. It is just the way of things. Right now I have more years of celebrating my Mother than I do of celebrating my mothering. So to me, Mother's Day brings with it, fresh memories and a flood of pain. A longing for the should have been I suppose.

When I flew out to help plan my Mother's funeral and bury her, the outpouring of love from her school where she worked was just amazing. She was a secretary, had been for most of my life. Working at many different schools along the way, wearing many hats. She was always endearing her
 co-workers to her, with her sense of humor, her ability to relate and her bend towards compassion and empathy. My mom didn't waste her pain, she used it to relate to others when given the chance.

My sister and I went to her school in the first days following her death. Vista Grande Elementary School.  It was so amazing to see the cards from the children and the staff. So many words of encouragement and love for us to take in. There were little gifts and flowers left by many of the students as well. I remember walking over to her work area. She had several pictures of Koralyn hanging on her cabinet for anyone who passed to see. There were filing boxes sitting atop an adjacent desk with her name written on them in her very distinct handwriting. It made my heart ache for her, sting with pain. Sitting next to her keyboard was a piece of chocolate cake. I remember one of my nephews saying to me; look Aunt Kenda, Grandma was eating cake! I laughed and told him no, I am sure someone is filling in for her and that is their piece of cake. I was kindly corrected by her sweet co-worker who told me, no, indeed that was my mom's piece of cake. They all knew how much my mom adored cake so they had gone out that morning and bought one. They cut a piece and placed it in her spot for her. It was just so sad and so sweet. We stood and laughed about how much my mom loved cake. Talking about her frequent advice that if you skipped a meal, you could have your cake and eat it too! Growing up, she often allowed us to eat cake for breakfast. She would laugh and tell us that it was fine because after all, a piece of cake had all the ingredients of a good breakfast. Milk, eggs, flour. Every once in awhile I will still enjoy a big slice of cake for breakfast, and like my mom cake is by far my favorite dessert!

Just a small portion of what filled the office.
Mom loved Vista Grande and Vista Grande loved her! 

The VGE Table at her service.
Filled with all the tokens of love and care from her school. 

After we reminisced about my Mom's love of cake, I continued to look around her desk. She died the Sunday after Mother's Day in 2012. That year of course I spent my Mother's Day in the NICU with my sweet Koralyn. Weeks earlier I had fretted over what to send my Mom that year. Of course it had to be something I could make or order on the internet. To be honest I dreaded giving my Mom gifts. She wasn't too easy to buy for, and I had seen several of my gifts to her stashed in drawers around her home when I would go to visit. It was kind of a running joke actually. That year I decided to make her a gift using Shutterfly and a recent picture I had taken of my boys in the Texas Bluebonnets. A sweet pictures of brothers holding hands and exploring. I made her a pen holder for her desk at work. It was a simple and practical gift. I had hoped she would actually be able to get some use out of it and enjoy seeing the boys everyday sitting on her desk. So when I went to her space and it was sitting right there in her spot full of pens, I was just struck. I stood there staring at it. Her friend Gail, walked up to me and smiled. She told me that my Mom was so proud of this simple gift. She had gushed and talked about how busy and overwhelmed I must have been, and what it meant that I still took the time to send her a gift for Mother's Day.

That pen holder now sits on this desk I am typing from. I am not sure Gail even remembers the moment, or the words she said to me that day. I will never forget those life giving words she spoke to me. To know my Mom thought of my effort and knew I worked hard to show her I cared, it just really meant so much in that horrible moment. That story Gail told to me was such a gift. It still warms my soul now when I look over at the pen holder. My Mom, she knew in that small simple gift that I was thinking of her, that I cared enough to make an effort even in the dark season I was in. Knowing she knew the true intent of my simple gift is priceless. I take comfort in the fact that even though it was hard and I made and sent that gift while sitting by my daughter's hospital bed; it was well worth it. Her last Mother's Day gift from me, is now a gift to me. Reminding me, that even the small efforts made out of love matter. That they may indeed matter more when it seems harder to give of yourself and make that effort. It isn't wasted and is always worth it.  My mom, still teaching me and telling me to show up and try; through a simple gift made for her and yet given back to me in more ways than one.

Notice the cake, and the pen holder sitting at her desk.

She was so proud of her Koralyn Marie. I had no idea she had done this.
 It melted my heart of course and made me miss her even more. 

Friday will mark 4 years since the day she was killed riding on the back of a Harley Davidson Motorcycle. I have read the accident report more than once. In my mind I have relieved that day many times over. It does no good for me. Only brings deep pain to think of my moms last horrific moments of life. I have put away the reports since being home from the hospital with Koralyn and I try not to go to the place where I think of her last moments, it just isn't healthy to dwell in that place, and I know that.

Today I made a trip to Arlington for an appointment and some birthday shopping for Amos. I was alone, which of course is pretty rare for a mom of 4 living children! The point being that I had quiet and time to think as I ran my errands. Going back to my old stomping ground before I moved to Midlothian. My Mom made several visits to Texas and we spent a lot of time in Arlington.

My first stop today was USMD Hospital for some medical tests. This hospital also houses a lot of medical offices, including the office of my first son's old pediatrician. When Asa was born my mom came to visit and help take care of us during his first week at home. Of course we had to make his first doctors visit and my mom came along to help. Today as I walked in those double doors the memory of that visit came rushing back. Remembering my fear to take my tiny baby out and how awkward my body felt. Having my mom there was such a comfort. I recalled today how she had admired the building, talking about what a nice facility it was. I can tell you right where she was standing when she made these comments. Such a simple memory and yet when it came flooding back my heart seemed to physically ache for her. I whispered under my breath, oh mom how I miss you so. I wish you were here with me now. I wish I could call you and talk. Oh how I want to hear your voice.

After my appointment I drove past the Spaghetti Warehouse and recalled another simple memory of her. We had taken her to eat there during one visit and she just loved it. She talked about how neat it was and how good the food was, Italian was always one of her favorites. Just another memory seemingly popping up out of the blue.

Lastly I made my way to the mall to buy a few gifts. I parked in the garage next to Macy's and as I pulled in I suddenly remembered another funny incident with my mom and Asa. It was a day we were heading to the airport so mom could catch her flight back to Albuquerque. We had some time to kill so we decided to head to the mall for a little while. It was very hot that day so we had parked in the shade of the garage. My mom was helping to get Asa out of the car and walking him towards to entrance to the store. She wasn't paying close attention and didn't realize the slope and drain coming up. So needless to say down Asa went with mom tumbling after, right on top of him! Oh it was a tragedy with a few cuts for both Mom and Asa. We made our way inside and Asa insisted he needed a bandaid. Luckily there was a booth with information and first aid and they rescued us from our plight. Once bandaged, we were on our way to enjoying our little trip to the mall! My mom felt so bad for hurting and scaring Asa of course.

That wasn't the first time she had injured one of her Grandsons! Years earlier, at the 4th of July Parade in Corrales, she had dumped poor sweet baby Jack out of his stroller and into the dirt! It left a few scrapes and bruises on his face, but he was okay. I am sure it hurt mom more then it did Jack! Later we all had good laughs about it! Once everything was healed of course!

Today it seemed memories of my Mom were surrounding me. It has been that way for awhile now actually. As I drove, I wondered the why my grief for my Mom seemed to be right at the surface lately? Could it simply be because of the month we are in? May, so much happens this month. Mother's Day, Mom's day of death, my birthday, as well as Amos'. So much joy and sorrow, death, and life, mingled into one month out of the year. Almost too much for one soul to take in really. Could it be because now I have Karis. Another chance to raise a daughter, so I feel closer to my own Mother? Longing to have her here to see my sweet babe and cheer me on like only a Mother can?

All I know is that it is true what they say. Grief comes in waves and a big ol' wave has come to my end of the ocean. Now instead of being taken under by it, as in the first fresh days of my grief; I get on my board and I ride that sucker to shore. Which means, I feel the pain, I let it come and take me for a ride, remembering those times past. I allow myself to hurt and feel grief that they are gone, that she is gone and on this earth, I will never see her again. But I keep on walking and living and breathing at the same time. Much like what I did today. No one in that hospital or that mall knew of the pain I was feeling. I could feel it in my heart and continue to function with my body. That's not to say there isn't a time to cry, still, four years later. As long as there is life in my bones, I will sometimes cry tears for my Mom and that's okay. I can hear her now telling me, Kenda you ride that wave. Enjoy the view from the top and feel all there is to feel. Be sad but also laugh and rejoice in the sweet memories. Don't fight the waves when they come. Get on your board and ride them with grace and dignity. And when that wave is over and it has carried you back to shore. Get out of the water and go on living on the land until you need to go for another swim in this vast ocean of grief that will only end once your time on Earth is through.

Mom, teaching Asa to light the Luminarias on Christmas Eve

Mom and I helping Asa open his Birthday gifts

Oh mom, I am doing my best and I miss you so. I love you,  Roo.