Connections

Those little crosses on the side of every road mean so much more to me then they used to. I used to drive past and think, oh thats sad, someone died there, then I would forget and move on with my day. How many crosses did I pass before that sunny Sunday afternoon when my mom became a cross on the side of the road? How many do you pass on your way to work, or the grocery store or to pick your kids up at school? Have you ever thought about what those crosses, or little roadside memorials represent? Really thought about the lives behind them? There are at least 3 roadside "memorials" on the way to drop off my son at school. One was faded and hanging on a tree and has just recently been changed to a new bright wreath, it was around Christmas that I noticed it had become new again. Someone still hurts and honors the spot where their loved one breathed their last. Then there is another, a cross with flowers that sits at the edge of a neighborhood. The cross is not faded with time and the silk flowers are changed often. Now when I pass these memorials I often wonder who that person was, were they young or old? Were they a mother or a son or a sister to someone? What kind of void have they left in the lives of those left behind? I would love to know each story, sit down with those loved ones and talk about who that person was and what they meant and what they left behind.



 





A few years ago I remember reading an article about how they wanted to do away with these sacred little memorials on roadsides. Someone thought the crosses were offensive or just a sad trashy reminder of our mortality. Boy doesn't it ruin your day to come face to face several times over with the fact that we all will in fact die? That probably before we do, we will have to suffer through losing loved ones? Stink. I just remember thinking then how sad that was. To the the families that put up these roadside memorials it is healing and a testament to a life lived and a life lost. I guess someone who felt inconvenienced by it all didn't want to be reminded of death on his drive to the grocery store or wherever it is he is going everyday. I wonder how differently they would feel if they had to set up one for their daughter or son or mother? These little crosses are a testament to our fragile human condition. They should remind us all how life is precious and a gift not to be wasted. To me these crosses are proof that we all want to feel loved and connected. The families that raise their little roadside memorials are really saying, hey someone we loved, someone that mattered, died here. Take notice, stop and think. They are saying someone special is gone, and we need you to know they were here at all.

 Don't we all want to feel recognized and loved? I think so, I think we all yearn for connectedness, to be wanted and needed by someone. I think God built us this way. I think if we all maybe thought a little bit more about how each of us is really fighting this same battle that leads to the same outcome (death and taxes, or is it taxes and death) would there be more kindness in the world? We could all think a little bit more about what others burdens are, maybe that person being rude or pushy in line behind you has a few roadside crosses to bear. Maybe that child that is loud and acting crazy just lost his sister or his mom or his brother. Maybe that person thats scowling at your needs a warm smile to melt the cold that has set in in his heart since his wife of almost 50 years passed away a year ago.

After Koralyn died, I used to feel so isolated in a public place, especially a store that carried girl clothes or girly things; which is like every store, because lets face it, girls like to shop and moms of girls like to shop for their girls, HA! I used to walk past all those little baby girl clothes and think about how unfair it all was, how no one knows this pain of having a sweet girl to dress and love and be so proud of and then having her taken away. I was really good at the whole, lets go to the Target baby section and feel sorry for ourselves bit. Rightly so I suppose, for a time. After all, it was hard to be pregnant with a girl after carrying two boys and not really feel able to fully enjoy the experience. They say a mom knows and I believe I did to a point. I felt guarded. While registering for my baby shower I wondered what the point was, I didn't know what to register for, what sizes, would she even be able to wear clothes in the hospital? Should I register for anything past six months? Would she live at all? After the most wonderful shower my friends threw for me I remember sitting surrounded by all the beautiful pink and girl things and thinking, am I going to be able to use this stuff? In a way I felt robbed of this wonderful experience of finally getting a girl. I felt like people didn't understand, they would smile and say, yay! You are finally getting your girl! I would think, yes but am I really getting her? I wanted to hope and did, we prayed and hoped and trusted God knew what he was doing. We prayed to the end for a miracle. While she was in my belly and after she came out. I remember my mom telling me to talk to that sweet baby, rub your belly and tell her she is strong and beautiful and everything is going to be all right. So I did, and I loved her, she was my daughter!

I guess what I am trying to say is, it is really easy to only see your cross on the side of the road, to only see your empty crib and empty shopping cart minus all the cute pink clothes you should be buying for your daughter. Its when we look up, look over, look in that persons face next to us and ask what their story is that we realize we are not alone. God made us to want connection because he wants us to be connected! To him and to one another. He wants those who have grief to share it with others and then to lighten the next grief stricken load that comes along. It has been such a huge comfort and blessing to have other sweet moms come tell me about the babies they have loved and lost. Or to have a daughter tell me how much she misses talking to her mom on the phone at night. It is beautiful really and the world would be a lot kinder if we all looked up from our Target basket full of pity to the person next to us and wondered, hey what are they going through? What grief are they carrying around that I could help with or learn from? I wonder what that mom over there who looks perfect and polished is carrying around.

Looks can be deceiving, and I think here in America we like to think no roads should have crosses on them, and everyone next to us at the store only has good things to tell.  I think, I know my grief and pity is at its worst when I am only looking inward at what has happened to me. When I assume I am the only one with a roadside cross to bear. When I forget that everyone I pass in the car, in the store, at the school, has a story to tell. Both good and bad, some maybe more sad then others, some more tragic, some more blessed and happy. We all have pain, we have all felt loss in some way, isn't it time we remember that? How much more beautiful and kind would the world be if we could all remember and have more compassion for other people's carts and sacks and crosses full of hurt. If we could remember that every broken soul we pass, is just that, broken and wanting to feel special and belong to someone.

 Next time you are at the Kroger or Target or wherever it is you shop, stop and look at just one person, old or young and think for a moment about what hurt they might be carrying with them in their cart. Then maybe smile at them and wish them a good day. Or better yet tell them about the Jesus they can belong to, the one they can connect with, the one who carried the biggest roadside cross of them all. The God who gave up his Son for us (I know I am a chicken too, and shamefully even embarrassed that some at this point of reading will roll their eyes and groan at the mention of my Jesus)

Next time you pass one of those little crosses on the side of the road, say a little prayer for that family, whoever they might be. Pray joy for their souls and comfort for their pain. Let us all take heart in the fact that we are not alone, in our grief or our happiness either! Thank you precious souls who have shared your sweet babies with me, it helps to know I am not the only mom in Target feeling jealous or grief stricken. To know I am not the only daughter who has lost her sweet young mom and can't call her on a Sunday night. Thank you, go spread some more of that around! I know I am going to try!

^" Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.^{"    
 Romans 12: 15-16}