As my mom always used to say, life isn't fair. As a little girl I would ask why of course, as an adult I say Amen to that! After growing up and living this unfair life, I want to know why we are ever born with the thought that life should be fair. After all God tells us we will have many trials here on earth. Some of us stupidly think that somewhere, someone is living a perfect happy life with no trials or sadness or tight jeans and low self esteem and bullies etc. etc. I think this might be an American way of thinking, or at least a 1st world way of thinking. We have enough time to sit around and think about how the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. This is a miserable way to exist of course and if this is the attitude we carry around we seem to be a drain on everyone we meet. I have had my days and moments when I feel sorry for myself, for our family. I get mad and sad and ask God why me, why us, why our sweet baby? Its in these moments that I must think no one has it harder then we do, no one knows what this feels like, this is so unfair!! Like a child who wants candy in the checkout lane at the grocery store but doesn't get it and suddenly nothing in the world is right and nothing good has ever happened to them. (Despite the fact that they live in America, have a parent who loves them and transportation to the air conditioned store to buy an abundance of food and other goods a lot of people in the world can only dream of having) How is that for the grass being greener?
These moments of sourness leave me bitter and cold and unthankful for what I do have. I usually realize that these feelings of why me are getting me nowhere and snap out of it. Sometimes, most times actually, it takes God lifting up my eyes and making me realize how silly I am. For pete's sake, I am at a Childrens hospital, where there is enough unfairness to go around. The kids with cancer that basically live here for a year undergoing treatments that kill everything but their will to live. The babies that die in the nicu, because they are too small or too sick to survive. The kids that come in changed forever because of an accident, or an almost fatal drowning, or shaken baby syndrome, which is sadly a common thing here. I see it in so many of these faces walking these halls, they are screaming in their own minds, this is so unfair, why me, why my baby? But I also see miracles happen and families with enough love and determination to survive this hell. People ask, why do bad things happen to good people? Its an age old question and an understandable one at that. I think this experience is helping me answer that question at least for myself. Bad things happen to good people so that they can rise above, so that God's grace and glory can shine through. So that we can be reminded to do good, to press on, to keep loving and believing and having faith. So that the people around them, their family and friends and church family can shine the light for them in their dark tunnel, carry them. Be the hands and feet of Jesus, as many in the christian faith would say.
The moments of pity for myself and my situation are often followed by a realization that even in this loud and maddening place our family finds ourselves in, there is still good, there is still hope, there is enough love and kindness to carry us. For example, loving friends and family have now stepped forward for the past 3.5 months to watch my boys, to love them and care for them, to make their days as fun and lighthearted as possible. They help clean my house, they feed my kids and my husband, they give up their days and their hearts to help carry us. Just when I haven't gotten any sleep two kind friends step forward and treat us to a lovely hotel room with a comfy king size bed and black out curtains to aid in sleep! Just when we have paid the last bill we can possibly pay, a bunch of coal miners we have never met and some we have, give their own hard earned money so that we can eat or get fuel or a hotel room close to the hospital to sleep. The list goes on, its as simple as another mom asking me how I am doing, giving me a hug, sharing a meal or a story with me. People driving across town to see us and share their experiences. Church family coming together to pray for our Koralyn and our family! So much to be thankful for even in this darkest scariest time in our lives.
Never before in my life have I seen Gods grace and love more then I do now. Never before have I needed it more.
